Only me and u

Human pheromones have caused a lot of debate. That is an understatement. So far, the gap between the believers and non believers is still relatively wide despite some promising research being done in this area. What is it about human behaviour that we actually need to see something before we believe it. Talk about the missing link... think about it, could pheromones actually be the X factor in us which determines attraction?

Do Pheromones Really Work?

The debate between pro pheromone advocates and non believers continues. The problem is, there is no official evidence they actually play a part in human behaviour. Certainly research has pointed to evidence suggesting they may be evident in our day-to-day behaviour but until somebody comes out and produces concrete, unrefutable evidence they exist in humans, then we can only surmise they exist.

Examples of studies include such things as human pheromones being linked to the reproductive system in men an women. Also, they've been associated with the relationship between a mother and child. Who doesn't have an attachment to their mother in an instinctive way? Is this pheromones at play?

Did You Know?

Animal pheromones were well understood more than three decades ago. In fact, pheromones were used by manufacturers as pest control to lessen the incidence of damage on crops in horticultural areas.
Looking At The Evidence

Pheromones started to make the headlines during the 1980's when research led by Dr. Winifred Cutler provided evidence of men and women having the capability of emitting pheromones. Furthermore, Dr. Cutler's studies began somewhat of a marketing trend and today, as a product, pheromone enhanced perfumes are gaining rapidly in popularity.

So it's well known that pheromones play a part in the animal and insect world. Are we not animals as well? Why wouldn't it be possible for humans to communicate and attract through phermones?

Research indicating pheromones affect such things as menstrual cycles and the reproductive system in humans were hard to refute when the evidence was presented. When Dr. Cutler produced her findings, she dreamed at the time of commercially-produced creams, sprays and perfumes containing pheromones which could have an affect on the well-being of women.

How To Choose A Pheromone Product

The emergence of pheromone marketing websites online has been quite dramatic, especially during the last couple of years. It's almost a maze to wade through and the problem many would be having is whether to buy the cheapest product available or buy from the first site they see?

We've spoken about Winifred Cutler pioneering the marketing of pheromones and her site holds the key to buying products. When searching for the best pheromone products, a site should provide a good balance between general research information along with it's sales pitch.

Even more importantly, if the manufacturers produce their own products in house, even better. They are more likely to be serious about staying in business for the long term rather than making a quick dollar and disappearing off the scene. How much you spend is up to you. There are offers involving two-for-one on some sites while others are happy to provide products without all the hype.

You have spent many hours in search of the perfect bride and you have found it in Russia. Is it possible to marry her? Russian women are extremely desired marriage partners. They are well educated and easily adapt to new social environment.

Local traditions are respected in these lands and you will find it funny to observe some of them. Keep in mind that rites are changing slowly and even though today they sound funny, they are deep into people's genes and hearts. Do not make offensive comments because you may hurt your sweetheart even before asking her to marry you.

Being part of a collectivist society, Russians will expect to share the engagement moment with as many friends as possible. Though the engagement ceremony is not an official act such as the marriage, in this country it is considered very important.

The parents' opinion is leading sometimes, so listen to your soul mate and ask her whenever you have questions about the tradition. Normally you have already discussed your relationship and you have her lovely Yes to your question for marriage. This is the time when you have to ask her from her father.

But it's not necessarily the father who calls the tune in the world of the modern Russian family, because both mother and father have influence on the domestic decisions. After girls come of age, her parents do not stop her from meeting whoever she wants and run her life as she finds it for her future good.

No matter, the local tradition requires the groom to visit his girlfriend's house and to have a man-to-man talk with her father. Sometimes mother and daughter also attend these meetings holding their hands and smiling with happiness.

When you have the blessing of the family, you should discuss with them which is the best time for the engagement ceremony. Having status, this event will legitimize your relationship and will give you the chance to meet all important people in your bride's life. This means dozens of cousins, friendly aunts, funny uncles and curious friends. Do not be scared of them, have a natural manner and pay a little attention to everyone of the guests.

In Russia people are cordial and all of a sudden you might find yourself in the strong hug of a male you hardly know or have not seen at all. Just don't try to escape - screaming. Hugs between people from the same sex are quite okay and are sign of sharing with you the moment of happiness and welcoming you into their community as a member and friend.

Marriage is respected in all ex-soviet countries although in recent years they have become more liberal and open relationships are accepted too. That is why the family may insist on a big wedding. Your bride will love it too! Deep in their hearts Russians are eternal romantics.

The preparation for a proper wedding may take time. It is directly depending on many financial factors. Usually the parents have put money aside for the wedding, but investing more and more in this, is a question of personal pride.

Your bride will be sad if she sees that her parents are trying to do their best for the organization and you are insisting on a fast ceremony. Understand her. To assist the process you can contribute with money or preparation.

And you may kiss the bride!

When we study sexuality, our own cultural concepts and expression of sexuality influence who we study and what we find. Our cultural lenses also influence which forms of sexual attitudes, behaviours, communication and expressions are true, real and acceptable to us. For many people, other interpretations and expressions of sexuality that are not in accordance with their own views and beliefs of what sexuality should be are regarded as "dangerous," are looked on with suspicious askance or are sternly disapproved.

An interview I recently participated in as a cross-cultural interpreter left me frustrated and feeling hopeless about the possibility of there ever being a solution to how to confront harmful African cultural practices that fuel the spread of HIV. The Western interviewer I was assisting, despite my cultural briefing prior to the meeting still assumed that Africans share Western vulnerability, longing and anxiety associated with sexual performance.

In North America, the next biggest thing in sexuality is orgasm. Men and women of all ages are so obsessed with orgasms that whole sections in local bookstores are dedicated to a single-minded focus on the mechanics of sex -as though new bedroom breakthroughs are being made every day.

There are many today who believe that with the right technology, the West is about to discover the secrets of eroticism the same way they cracked the atom.

Naturally the interview came round to "Do African women experience orgasms during sex?" I was not surprised when the African women said "no we don't have orgasms." First of all Africans don't like talking about sex with people they barely know. Having been exploited for centuries and their ways and cultures being despised too many times by those who claim to come as friends, they are now often rather reserved and suspicious and unwilling to share what they consider a sacred aspect of their culture. And secondly, most African women will not ask for further clarification because Africans don't talk directly about sex. And sure enough, in the African typical way of not asking questions to clarify all doubts in the initial meeting, and then coming up with a whole bunch of questions and suggestions later, the women wanted me to explain what an "orgasm' means.

Many said they thought that an orgasm is a "white women's thing." But the part that left me frustrated and feeling a mixture of amusement, indignation and hopelessness was the Western interviewer's attitude when I tried to explain to her that in most African languages there is no one word that means "orgasm." Her response was "that is because African women never have orgasms. If they did, they'd have a word for it."

I happen to fluently speak at least five African languages and I don't know of any word that means orgasm in any of the languages I speak. I have asked many Africans including some from North Africa and they tell me they don't know one word that means "orgasm" in their languages either. Does this them mean "African women never have orgasms?"

When we African women talk about sex amongst ourselves, we also talk about being "satisfied," "releasing the flood" or "busting the bubble" (having an orgasm). The word "release the flood" comes from the amount of sexual fluid that is released during sex and especially during orgasm. In Uganda for example, there are women from certain cultures and ethnic groups who have been rumoured to release so much sexual fluid that motels and hotels in those regions cover their mattresses in polythene to save them from soaking wet all over.

More over in these mentioned cultures, the "technique" used is NOT penetration but rhythmic circular stroking of the clitoris. There are many songs and jokes about taking a washing basin and mop into the bedroom and "teasing the thing until it rains." Yet we don't see research done or books written about African exhilarating 'wet sex" that soaks two people in sexual fluids (and sometimes glues them together). All we see is written about African women's sex lives is about the barbaric nature of "dry sex." Moreover "dry sex" is not a common practice but something which happens in very isolated cultures. Some African women say the amount of fluid released during sex is preciously the reason they wipe themselves dry.

Little research mentions that African women are more likely to have an orgasm than women from cultures in which sex is performed with the linear or up and down movement with the man simply thrusting the same spot over and over. Africans perform sex the way they dance; gyrating, undulating and wiggling either in the same direction or opposite direction. Coordinating forward thrusts with rotating the waists in time together stimulates the clitoris and increases the chances of the penis hitting the G-spot, not once but many times. Sexual encounters last longer and peak moments can be prolonged beyond bliss, into ecstasy. That is why learning how to twist the buttocks and pelvis in rapid circular movements is almost mandatory in African cultures. The flexibility, rhythm and coordination, body articulations (moving different parts of the body in isolation and then together), the passion and force (a.k.a lock and grind) and the abandon with which an African man or woman dances says a lot about his or her erotic abilities.

Many African women (I speak for the women because I get to talk to hundreds of them from east to west Africa, south to central Africa), understand that there is more to sex than having mind-blowing orgasms. African women understand and accept that it is wonderful to have orgasms sometimes, but for most of them the most important, most satisfying pleasure is the fusion of two bodies and spirits as often as possible. They are not worried about whether or not they will have an orgasm. "We are not concerned about how we are performing, how we look in this or that Victoria Secret number or how long we can put up with the strip tease or stage performance" said one woman. "We are so deeply engrossed in the what we are doing until we lose it."

African cultures have what is called "loosing one's mind," "moment of truth" or "small death" and other phrases difficult to translate into English. This is a concept unknown to most Western cultures and has only recently started to be talked and written about in North America, as wholistic sexuality, Tantric sex, Taoist sex and many other fancy New Age lingo. But for many Africans, this is simply sex and good sex to be specific.

The words "loosing one's mind," "moment of truth" or "small death" make reference to the person having no clear recollection of what exactly transpired and only hearing about it from sexual partners who might tease about it. Most Africans say that all they might remember is that it was like being in another world "far away from here." "Loosing one's mind" may involve talking in gibberish, singing, sobbing loudly, laughing hysterically, temporarily fainting or some other unusual expression. The African's "loosing the mind" during sex is not the same thing as the Western notion of "savage sex"; grabbing, slapping, panting, scratching, biting, pushing, licking, pulling and all the bestial behaviours and noises. "Loosing" one's mind is about quieting the "chatter" of the mind and being so completely immersed in the moment that one experiences an ecstatic state. In the true western fashion of "labeling" this might be understood as "trance" state. Again for the African, it's just good sex.

It might therefore come as a shock to Western researchers and Educated African urbanites (or modern Africans) to know that some African women reach orgasms without any sexual contact at all. No man around, no sexual touching or manipulation of sexual organs using fingers or sexual toys. As part of "pleasure' education curriculum at Puberty Rites of Passage to Adulthood, young women train their vaginal muscles to contract and ripple when they are squeezed. The rippling causes a kind of squeezing and releasing action that starts at one end and moves along the vagina. In lovemaking this is felt by the penis as a milking affect (some men scream out loud when milked). Because there are so many overlapping muscle groups in the pelvis area, they can isolate themselves and the owner can operate them in isolation. When the vaginal muscles are in very good shape, an initiated African woman can have an orgasm sitting right in front of you and saying "no, I don't have orgasms."

Every human being - white, brown and black - has the ability to experience sexual ecstasy, we only have to remove the blocks that hamper our ability to let go, surrender over to the power of the unknown and unknowable and engage life on its own terms.